How narcissism evolved
Guys Acting Like Jerks to Get a Relationship?
7 Things Women Want to Hear (But Only If You Mean It)
In Praise of Awkward First-Time Sex
Why Do Feminists Find Abstinence Intolerable?
A Flurry of Flustered Feminists, Finally
Can Hooking Up Empower You?
The Cost of Always Holding Out for Something Better

But bottom line? We've got to find better ways of making this all work for more folks & more 'normal folks' w/o spending perhaps about 2 decades of dating and finally 'meeting the one', (or exhausting all immediate alternatives and accepting what shows up mainly). This just 'ain't working right, it's dysfunctional and it's a silly & foolish waste of time. The perfect may not be possible as this is an ever moving trajectory. The 'good enough fit' might be possible to be 'solved' for many ages along the spectrum, as long as you're reasonably self aware and know what it is you want, desire & require. And not to mistake one for another. Or imagine that fantasy can be actually 'lived in' for long. Well without the long term help of plenty of pharmaceuticals! Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

• 11 clessalvein November 15, 2009 at 2:47 pm

How is not having sex, instead pursuing traditional and respectful dating and courtship, empowering? It's simple. A woman who is sexually selective is establishing that she has respect for herself and will only be intimate with a worthy man, while a woman who sleeps with men she wouldn't introduce to her parents is valuing herself at zero.

I don't believe everyone has to wait until marriage to have sex. On the other hand, the idea that women should dip into the rancid cesspool known as the “hookup culture” is just ridiculous. Hookup “culture”– a misnomer, since it's province of the unrefined and coarse– needs to die.

• 12 susanawalsh November 15, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Hi cless, thanks for weighing in here.

“A woman who is sexually selective is establishing that she has respect for herself and will only be intimate with a worthy man”

I agree 100%. The difficulty arises in determining who is worthy. Of course there are many ways that men signal their intentions up front, but unfortunately there is a great deal of deceit used in seducing women for sex. That means that women should hold out until they can vouch for a man's true character. Easier said than done – women are guilty of wishful thinking oftentimes. Also, at very young ages (18-21), where NSA hooking up is most prevalent, the woman who is holding out for a worthy guy may well find herself a virgin at college graduation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that (in fact I respect it tremendously), but the reality is that women want to have relationships, and keep at it in hopes of finding one.

As I stated at the top of this post, relationships in college almost always follow a hooking up period. Physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy in the vast majority of cases. Telling women not to indulge won't work, it's just asking too much. Very few women would agree up front to four college years without guys. They're sexual, they get crushes, they're under enormous peer pressure. And they behave in unrefined and coarse ways sometimes.

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