I’m In a “Whatever” With a Guy I Really Like
How to Get a Boyfriend in College
Hoping For Those Three Little Words
Does My Boyfriend Love My Sister?
Learning to Swim in the Deep End
Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?
Learning to Speak Hookup: Guys’ Edition
Defense Against the Dark Arts: Narcissism
You just gotta find the right men, but understandingly I suppose those aren’t the ones you want.
Just drop this idea of the man “suffering” if he’s not having sex. Go be in a relationship, but make your limits clear.
I’m sort of stuck on the same boat. I don’t really want a bunch of relationships that I know aren’t going to last, I just want to find the right person for marriage. But in my case, that’ll probably be nearly impossible and I’ll just end up with an arranged marriage.
Chili says:
August 13, 2010 at 1:50 am
I’m confused, Susan. My comments get moderated but rum can compare me to a rodent and it’s all good? :p
PJL says:
August 13, 2010 at 5:13 am
@Verie,
(1) I think your concern shows a slight misunderstanding of male sexuality. While the sex drive in a man is significantly higher than in a woman, not having sex doesn’t reduce us to convulsions on the floor, burning skin, and screams of pain when you’re not looking–so the word “suffer” is a little dramatic and unhelpful. You’re well within your rights to say when appropriate “I am member of X religion; this is what I think marriage is; this is what I think dating is. If you’re not okay with that, sorry.” If he is, indeed, not okay with that–if he’s the sort of man who would shame or use cheap, passive-aggressive tricks to get an honest woman to compromise her values–why on earth would you want to date him? To answer this question honestly, you must do so with no reference to your “feelings.” Second and third points are more philosophic food for thought. Don’t take them seriously. Although raised in a largely unobservant home, I have–through friends–had a long flirtation with the Christian religion and philosophy of religion is an enduring interest of mine.
.
(2) You use words like “need” and “suffer” to describe your forcing these men to be chaste. Apparently, the division in your mind is between your convictions and their needs, without which they suffer. Now, is having sex before marriage wrong because God commands it or does God command it because it is wrong? While God’s command–if he exists (but you believe he does so we’ll just leave it at that)–presumably is sufficient to make something moral or immoral, the question I’m asking raises the further question: why does God command it? In your version of things, God commands it because he commands it. I would urge that the more cogent view is to argue that God commands chastity because his Law is written in nature. Therefore, his commands correspond to what everyman in reality needs. When you force someone to live chastely, therefore, you force him to live in accordance with his needs and, actually, relieve the suffering caused by his vicious manner of life–according to the Christian view, at least.
How to Get a Boyfriend in College
Hoping For Those Three Little Words
Does My Boyfriend Love My Sister?
Learning to Swim in the Deep End
Is Casual Sex Destroying Empathy?
Learning to Speak Hookup: Guys’ Edition
Defense Against the Dark Arts: Narcissism
You just gotta find the right men, but understandingly I suppose those aren’t the ones you want.
Just drop this idea of the man “suffering” if he’s not having sex. Go be in a relationship, but make your limits clear.
I’m sort of stuck on the same boat. I don’t really want a bunch of relationships that I know aren’t going to last, I just want to find the right person for marriage. But in my case, that’ll probably be nearly impossible and I’ll just end up with an arranged marriage.
Chili says:
August 13, 2010 at 1:50 am
I’m confused, Susan. My comments get moderated but rum can compare me to a rodent and it’s all good? :p
PJL says:
August 13, 2010 at 5:13 am
@Verie,
(1) I think your concern shows a slight misunderstanding of male sexuality. While the sex drive in a man is significantly higher than in a woman, not having sex doesn’t reduce us to convulsions on the floor, burning skin, and screams of pain when you’re not looking–so the word “suffer” is a little dramatic and unhelpful. You’re well within your rights to say when appropriate “I am member of X religion; this is what I think marriage is; this is what I think dating is. If you’re not okay with that, sorry.” If he is, indeed, not okay with that–if he’s the sort of man who would shame or use cheap, passive-aggressive tricks to get an honest woman to compromise her values–why on earth would you want to date him? To answer this question honestly, you must do so with no reference to your “feelings.” Second and third points are more philosophic food for thought. Don’t take them seriously. Although raised in a largely unobservant home, I have–through friends–had a long flirtation with the Christian religion and philosophy of religion is an enduring interest of mine.
.
(2) You use words like “need” and “suffer” to describe your forcing these men to be chaste. Apparently, the division in your mind is between your convictions and their needs, without which they suffer. Now, is having sex before marriage wrong because God commands it or does God command it because it is wrong? While God’s command–if he exists (but you believe he does so we’ll just leave it at that)–presumably is sufficient to make something moral or immoral, the question I’m asking raises the further question: why does God command it? In your version of things, God commands it because he commands it. I would urge that the more cogent view is to argue that God commands chastity because his Law is written in nature. Therefore, his commands correspond to what everyman in reality needs. When you force someone to live chastely, therefore, you force him to live in accordance with his needs and, actually, relieve the suffering caused by his vicious manner of life–according to the Christian view, at least.